If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
You Might Also Like
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.