It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
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Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.