*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
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I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
yea so i messed up lol
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆