Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
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My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds