I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
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“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good