When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
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ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
three things we don’t talk about
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding