Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
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And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?