A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
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I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open