The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
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I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.