My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
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Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Haha good job!!
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain