I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
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HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
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angry guy who didn’t get the joke
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
A bold strategy
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.