if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
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If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.