My dress code is business-casualty.
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I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.