“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
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My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
congratulations to them
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
My patience has stretch marks.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this