Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
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Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development