Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
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My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Free him
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same