Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
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[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.