But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
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We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual