My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
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I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.