This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
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Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.