[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
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Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
When your parents check you’re ok.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.