Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
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My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
oh you like architecture? name three walls
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart