My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
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Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
My blood type is coffee.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]