Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
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Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Huge, if true.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.