I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
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do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this