Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
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ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
congratulations to them
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad