[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
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[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
If a snake ate a cake
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.