no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
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You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Ooops wrong house😂😜
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!