i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
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Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.