Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
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Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Canada has crack?
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle