Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
You Might Also Like
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I’m too immature for adultery.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.