I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
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Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
that’s really how it is
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
How I’d get arrested…