This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Canada has crack?
I was up all night reading about insomnia
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
wtf is an acronym
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer