Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
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[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.