“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
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Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
what’s really going on
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers