Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
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My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Um … Hot Wings please
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I’m calling the cops.