If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
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If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
This could be us but you eatin’
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.