My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
You Might Also Like
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Breaking news:
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.