Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
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“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Me too door. Me too.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”