Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
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me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Just me and my debit card against the world
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout