I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
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Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
hmm conte-me mais
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog