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*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer