*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
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As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Sing it!
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Straight people are cancelled
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me