Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
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boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.