After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
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Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me: