Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
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Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?