When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
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Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Ooh I do like a good funnel
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard