Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
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Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.