Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
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So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No