After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
You Might Also Like
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
calling in to work dehydrated
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I only eat vegetarians.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line